Our daughter Alice might have thought she was getting a bargain when we went overseas and she moved into the big old house. But then about a month into her residency, the kitchen caught fire and the whole first floor sustained major smoke damage. The insurance paid for everything; still, if organizing the subsequent six-month cleanup and renovation didn’t disabuse Alice of the bargain notion, three years of constant old-house upkeep have worn her down.
Recently she posted this status on Facebook:
Free to a good resident:
One five-bedroom 100-year-old brick home; comes with myriad unique bonus features including:
- a water heater-cum-cigarette lighter: approximately once per minute the control panel sparks loudly, so you’ll never be denied a relaxing smoke
- an in-wall cistern: I don’t know what keeps filling it, but it sure seems to be an “H2Ornucopia”!
- engage in a Debordian dérive every time you plug in the Cuisinart. With the almost magical, patternless tripping of fuses and the random, mapless layout of the plugs and fixtures they power, you will have no choice but to actively engage with the house, which may or may not be becoming sentient.
First come first served!
Huspaz! also comes with a neurotic 11-year-old terrier and rotten egg bombs hidden in every other bush outside- you never know what you’re gonna get!
Well Alice, happy birthday. It’s a big one, and I hope it’s a good one. Someday we’ll take that white brick elephant off your hands. Meanwhile I hope you enjoy the new smoker. Just don’t use it in the house.